7 




Copyrighted, 1876. 



FRENCH'S PARLOR COMEDIES. 

A new series of selected plays for Amateurs. The finest issued 
partly owing to the plays themselves, and also on account of the sup erica | 
manner they are published, being printed on the finest tinted paper, 
with an elaborate cover. The costumes, scenery, properties, stage di- 
rections, &c, are graphically described, and the publishers will leave 
nothing undone to make this particular list perfect. 

No. 1. Our Best Society, . . . .by Irving Browne. 

No. 2. How She Loves Him, . . by Dion Boucicault, in press. 

No. 3. A Leader of Fashion, . . by Fred. Lacy, in press. 

Others will follow in rapid succession. 

FRENCH'S AMATEUR OPERAS, 

fob" stage and drawikg-koom. 

Comprising some of the best works of the great composers, and ar- 
ranged so that they can be performed in any drawing-room. Each book 
is complete in itself, containing the Libretto, Stage Directions, Music, 
Costumes, and Properties, elegantly finished and the size of ordinary 
music, illuminated cover. Price, each, . . . 40 cents. 

This series is superior to any other published in the United States. 
Six now ready ; 

M F 

The Rose of Auvergne, or " Spoiling the Broth," 1 act. Music by 

Offenbach. Libretto by H. B. Farnie, . . . .21 

The Blind Beggars, by Offenbach, 1 act, . . .21 

The Barber of Bath, Offenbach, 1 act, . . . . 3 1 

My New Maid, composed by Charles Lecocq, 1 act, . . 2 

A Fit of the Blues, composed by V. Robillard, 1 act, . .11 

Trial by Jury, composed by Arthur Sullivan, 1 act. Words by W. S. 
Gilbert. 
This is very amusing and very pretty. There are five males as well as 
12 jurymen, the chorus, and one female character and eight bridesmaids, 
also the chorus. If these numbers are not convenient, any will do. 



FRENCH'S SCENES FOR AMATEURS, 

From approved designs. Representing scenes suitable for any piece. 
These are invaluable to amateur scene painters, and also a great guide 
and help to a professional. 

Price, Colored, each, . . . . .30 cents. 

" Plain, each, . . - . . . 15 " 



1. Cottage, Interior. 

2. " Exterior 

3. Wood 

4. Prison 

5. Field 



6. Castle I 11. Street, Foreign 

7. Street | 12. Roadside Inn, with 



Palace 
9. Drawing-room 
10. Library 



river and bridge 



FRENCH'S PARLOR COMEDIES. 
ISTo. S. 



MY MOTHER-IN-LAW; 



OR, 



A DIVORCE WANTED. 



Adapted, from the French, of " Le Proees Veradieux, 
BY" 



J. V. PRICHARD. 



Now being played under the titles of "Great Divorce Case, 
"Life," and "Wanted, a Divorce." 



% €omti% m Cljm %d*. 



or co: 



Copyrighted, 1876. [fa 






NEW YORE: 

Samuel French & Son, 

PUBLISHERS, 

Xo. 133 Nassau Street, 



LONDON: 

Samuel French, 

PUBLISHED, 

8Q sTii^ig-aD. 






DRAMATIS FEUSONM. 



Major EODNEY TUMBLEBULL. 

Mb. JOHNSTON JOHNS. 

Mb. SILENUS COBB. 

Lobd MORDAUNT BLINKERS. 

CHIEF OF POLICE. 

SECRETARY OF POLICE. 



Hon. Mbs. CHATTERTON STILL. 

Mbs. JOHNSTON JOHNS. 

Mbs. EMILY BELCHER. 

Lady MORDAUNT BLINKERS. 

KATE, \ 

ANGELINA, >• SERVANTS. 

SOPHIA, ) 

Seme : The First and Third Acts in the Study of Mr. Johnston Johns, 
in London. The Second, at the residence of Mrs. Belcher. Time : The 
preseni. 



COSTUMES. 

Ma, >r Rodney Tumbelbull.— A balf-military fatigue suit, with silk hat, 
gloves and cane. 

Mr, Johnston Johns. — First Dress, handsome walking suit. Second Dress, 
ordinary light morning suit. 

Mr. Silentjs Cobb.— The same. 

Lord Moedaunt Blinkebs.— First Dress, full evening suit, white gloves and 
opera hat. Second Dress, handsome walking suit, silk hat, gloves and 
cane. 

Chief op Police. — Policeman's suit. 

Secbetaby.— Plain black suit. 

Hon. Mrs. Chattebton Still.— First Dress, afternoon street suit, bonnet, 
gloves, etc. Second Dress, morning street suit, bonnet, gloves, para- 
sol. 

Mrs. Johnston Johns.— Pretty dinner dress in First Act. White muslin 
morning dress in Third Act. 

Mrs. Emily Belcheb.— First Dress, a negligee house dress. Second DresS, 
elegant evening costume. 

Lady Mobdaukt Blinkebs.— Elegant street dress, bonnet, gloves, parasol. 

Kate, Angelina and Sophia.— Ordinary servants' dresses. 



PROPERTIES. 

Act Fibst.— Table with writing materials and legal documents. Lawyers' 
green bags fcr Johns and Cobb. Black coat and hat for Johns. Shawl 
for the Major. Feather duster for Angelina. 

Act Second.— Two pictures on the wall, one of them representing a little 
dog. Lighted lamp on table. Pack of cards. Bouquet for Cobb. Two 
shillings for Johns. Two button-hole bouquets for Johns. Door-key 
for Johns. Vinaigrette for Mrs. Belcher. Glass of water. Dressing- 
gown and smoking-cap for Johns. Tea-tray and service. 

Act Thibd.— Package for Johns, with coat and hat in it. Black coat and 
jammed hat for Mrs. Still. Visiting cards for Kate. Clock on man- 
tel. Packet of papers for Lady Blinkers. Vase on chimney. 



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Front View. 




E. 



Acts Fikst and Third. — The Study in Mr. Johnston Johns' House. 



L. 



Back. 
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Front View. 
Act Second.— The Drawing-room in Mrs. Belcher's House. 

Ths stage directions are given as viewed from the auditorium. 



MY MOTHER-IN-LAW. 



ACT I. 



Scene. — The study of Mr. Johnston Johns.- Two doors on the right ; 
one door and a chimney-piece on the left. Double doors at the back. 
On the r. c, a large writing-table, covered with books, paper, briefs, 
etc. L. c, a sofa. Chairs and furniture dress the scene. 

(As the curtain rises, Johnston Johns is discovered seated at 
the table, taking papers out of a lawyer's green hag.) 

Kate. (Putting lier head in at the doors at oack.) Mr. 

Mr. (Forgets the name.) 

Johns. Well, what is it ? 

Kate. I've forgotten bis name. 

Johns. Go and find out then. [Exit Kate. J That girl be- 
comes a greater fool every day ! 

Kate. (Putting in her head.) Mr. Silenus Cobb, the 
advocate. 

Johns. (Aside.) Happy fate! (Aloud.) Show the gen- 
tleman up, Kate. 

Enter Silenus Cobb, laughing ; he stops at the oack; has 
a green tag under his arm. 

Cobb. Is Mr. Johnston Johns at home ? 

Kate. (Laughing loudly.) What a stupid! Don't you 
see him? 

Johns. (Advancing and shaking hands with Cobb.) Silence, 
Tomkins | 

Co^b^ (Astonished.) Tomkins! Is that your new maid's 
name? 

Kate. Oh, no, sir! My name's Kate — Kate Diggles. 
Native born of Abergavenny. Master's only joking. 

Johns. Tomkins! 

Kate. What do you call me that for? 

Johns. (Recollecting.) Oh, by-the-by, yes. I must explain. 
My step-mother, you see, had Kate sent up from the 
country. 

Kate. Be good enough to say, from out of town, not 
from the country. 

Johns. Silence, I say ! She took the place of our late 
Buttons, who was called Tomkins ; and so from the force 
of habit I call Kate Tomkins. Do you see ? 



6 

Cobb. She's a droll piece, at all events, this Tomkins— 
Kate. (Places his bag on the table.) 

Johns. (To Kate.) Is my mother-in-law in? 

Kate. Yes, sir. Do you want me to speak to her? 

Johns. Just be good enough to say, Please, sir, shall I 
speak to her ? Don't forget that, especially when I'm not 
alone. 

Kate. "Well, please, sir, shall I stir up the old lady ? 

Johns. No! Leave me ! [Exit Katk .] Well, my dear 
Cobb, you have come just in the nick of time. 

Cobb. How so? 

Johns. Five minutes later and you would have missed 
me. We should probably have passed each other on the 
way; for I was just starting to call upon you. 

Cobb. Some particular business? 

Johns. (Lowering his voice and looldng round.') Yes. And 
you-- 

Cobb. (Lowering his voice and looldng round.) Something 
particular also. I must be free by nine o'clock this even- 
ing. 

Johns. Stay ! So must I, by eight. 

Cobb. And was that the reason you were coming to me? 

Johns. Exactly. I was going to beg you to drop me a 
line, which should serve as a pretext for my wife. 

Cobb. Indeed. I was going to ask you to do the very 
same thing for me. We may as well write the letters to- 
gether. 

Johns. Have you some of your own paper in the bag 
there? 

Cobb. Plenty. (He takes a sheet of paper from the bag, seats 
himself at one side of the table, while Johns sits at the other.) 
So, are you in some fix? 

Johns. Alas, yes. 

Cobb. My poor friend ! Some pecuniary trouble? 

Johns. Worse. A mother-in-law. 

Johns and Cobb. (Writing.) Dear confrere — 

Johns. (Writing.) It is my duty to recall to your 
mind — 

Cobb. (Writing.) I have the honor of warning you — 

Johns. (Writing.) That this evening— (Speaking.) What 
hour are you going to say? 

Cobb. Nine o'clock. 

Johns. Eight o'clock for me. (Writing.) We have a — 
(Speaking.) Which would you say — an arbitration or a re- 
port? 

Cobb. Oh, say an arbitration. Sounds bigger. 

JonNS. (Writing. ^ An arbitration — 



Cobb. Writing.) In the— (Speaking.) What trial would 
you say? 

Johns In the Chcatwell trial. You know old Cheat- 
well? 

Cobb. Grood ! Cheatwell, by all manner of means. (Both 
write.) in, an idea! 
John:;,. What is it? 

Cobb. If we dine together, what do you say to a regular 
blow-on!; at the Criterion? 

Johns. Splendid! I was to dine with my mother-in-law ; 
but this is deliverance. 

Cobb. All right. (Writing.) As it is important that we 
should confer beforehand, meet me at — 
Johns. (Writing.) Six o'clock, precisely. 
Johns and Cobb. (Writing.) Don't fail. (They write and 
sign.) 

Cobb. Envelope! (They fold paper and place in envelopes.*) 
Johns. Where shall we meet? 
Cobb. At the corner of Oxford and Regent streets. 
Johns. Agreed. Now the address. (Writes.) Silenus 
Cobb, Esq., 

Cobb. (Writing.) Johnston Johns, Esq. (Speaking.) 
Got a stamp? (Both place stamps on their letters.) There, it 
is done. Now give me yours and I'll put it in the post. 

Johns. Let us say five o'clock at Regent Circus. (They 
rise and shake hands.) 

Cobb. (Laughing.) My dear boy, I thought you the most 
sedate and uxorious being that ever lived. 

Johns. Well, my Alice is a charming wife, and I. love 
her very much ; but — 

Cobb. Don't explain. Quite natural. I never yet met a 
hen-pecked husband who did not begin by adoring his wife. 
Johns. But I assure you — 

Cobb. There, there. Don't swear by the conjugal infi- 
del itieg. 

Johns. My dear friend — 

Cobb. If the statement is false that a husband deceives, 
his wife because he loves her, it is also true that he loves 
her because lie deceives her. In a word, you adore your 
wife ; but — 

Johkh. It is the fault of my mother-in-law. You have no 
mother-in-law, and are no judge. Ah ! Did you know 
mine? Such an aggravating being ! Always after me, 
morning and evening. When I'm out, she rummages over 
my papers and in my pockets. When I'm in, she comes 
upon me like a bomb with some excuse about her umbrella, 



her gloves, or her handkerchief ; but in reality to find out 
who I'm with, what I'm saying, or what I'm doing. 
Silence ! Here she is. 

Enter l. Mrs. Chatterton Still. 

Mrs. Still. Son-in-law, have you seen my umbrella? 

Johns. {Aside to Cobb.) What did I tell you ? Her um- 
brella ! 

Mrs. Still. Oh, pardon me. I'm disturbing you. {Aside 
to Johns.) Who is this man? 

Johns. {Aside.) A fellow lawyer. 

Mrs. Still. {Aside.) Present me. 

Johns. {Aside.) But I — 

Mrs. Still. {Aside, sternly.) Present me ! 

Johns. Mr. Cobb, advocate. The Honorable Mrs. Chat- 
terton Still, my mother-in-law. {Theij salute.) 

Mrs. S. {To Cobb.) I ask your pardon, sir. I was 
looking for my umbrella. 

Cobb. {Looking about.) Allow me, Madam — 

Mrs. S. Oh, what a goose I am, to be sure ! I left it in 
the hall. I'll take it as I go out. {Aside to Johns.) Rather 
a lively character for an advocate. 

Johns. {Aside.) That's not my fault. 

Mrs. S. {Saluting Cobb.) Mr. Cobb. 

Cobb. {Saluting.) Your most obedient. [Exit Mrs. S.] 

Johns. {Aside.) What an incubus ! {Aloud.) Well, my 
friend, that is the way it is from morning till night. Be- 
sides, she is forever putting ideas into my wife's head that 
I am a deceiver, and such nonsense. Oh, to be rid of my 
mother-in-law ! But just a week ago, such a charming little 
episode occurred. 

Cobb. Quite by chance? 

Johns. Oh, quite so. An affair in an omnibus. Chance, 
you see, pure chance. 

Cobb. So? I congratulate you. 

Johns. {Li raptures.) Such delightful evenings ! Such 
a drawing-room! And then the calm. 

Cobb. Yes, the calm. 

Johns. When I compare it to the turmoil in this house ! 

Cobb. What's her name? 

Johns. Mrs. Belcher — Emily Belcher. Emily — and a 
blonde. 

Cobb. Oh, I'm acquainted with a brunette ! A protegee 
of a horrid old major somebody. {Looks at his watch.) One 
o'clock. I must go to court, and on my way I'll drop the 
letters in the post. 



Johns. {Going with Cobb to door at "back.) Five o'clock. 
Cobb. Regent and Oxford Streets. [Exit Cobb. 

Johns. Well, well, well ! If misery loves company, plea- 
sure is not behind in showing a similar good taste. 

Mrs. Still. {Outside.) Good-by, dear ; I'm going out. 
Johns. Oh, Lord! I can't face her again! [Exit, it. 

Enter l. Mrs. Chatterton Still and Mrs. Johnston 
Johns. 

Mrs. S. Oh, they're gone ! 

Mrs. J. Johnston must be out. 

Mrs. S. He's always out. Believe me, Alice, you must 
speak to-day. 

Mrs. J. Yes, mamma. 

Mrs. S. Be firm. 

Mrs. J. Yes, mamma. 
- Mrs. S. And in case of need, say I wish it. 

Mrs. J. Yes, mamma. 

Mrs. S. I know these men. I tell you, if Johnston Johns, 
an advocate without a client, remains in London, he is lost ! 
You are lost ! We are all lost ! 

Mrs. J. But, mamma, you frighten me. 

Mrs. S. No need of that, so long as your mother is on the 
watch. But I will have your husband leave London. Oh, 
if he had a client — just one! He should leave a light burn- 
ing in this study all night ; it would make people think he 
was at work. Adieu. Remember, we all dine together this 
evening. 

Mrs. J. Yes, mamma. [Exit Mrs. Still at ths hack. 

Johns. {Putting Ms head in at door r.) Is she gone ? 

Mrs. J. {Starting.) What! arc you there ? Why have you 
not said good-by to mamma ? 

Johns. Because I said good day to her when she came. 

Mrs. J. You are not civil to her; and shclcves you so 
dearly. She talks to me constantly of you. 
. Johns. {Aside.) Too much ; too much altogether. 

Mrs. J. {Sitting on sofa.) Come, sit by me here. Let us 
talk over an idea she had tbis morning. 

Johns. {Aside.) An idea of my mother-in-law ? Take care! 

Mrs. J. You remember Balefield Lodge ? (Johns sits.) 

Johns. Your mother's estate near Bristol ? Where we 
had such a nice time ? 

Mrs. J. {Joyously.) Oh, did we not ? 

Johns. {Aside.) Humph! crackiug each other's jaws. 

Mrs. J. What charming society is there! 

Johns. Of course. The curate, the sheriff, and the veteri- 
nary surgeon. 



10 

Mrs. J. We played cards every evening. 

Johns. Yes, for nothing, and went to bed at nine o'clock, 
like so many chickens. Excellent for the health. 

Mrs. J. Well, why should we not go there and live per- 
manently ? 

Johns. (Aghast.) And leave London ? 

Mrs. J. Of course. 

Johns. That is an idea. (Aside.) Absurd ! (Aloud.) And 
one of your mother's notions. 

Mrs. J. Why, "yes. 

Johns. Oh, I'm not astonished ! 

Mrs. J. (Rising.) The place of Justice of the Peace is 
vacant there, and mamma says she is certain she could 
obtain it for you. 

Johns. You may thank your mother ; but I'm not ambi- 
tious. I'm no respecter of honor. 

Mrs. J. Life in London is becoming more and more expen- 
sive; and, as mamma says, it is a dangerous place for a man 
who has nothing to do. 

Johns. Who has nothing to do ! Why, I'm an advocate. 

Mrs. J. But you never plead. And after two years of 
married life, you are still expecting your first case. 

Johns. Oh, it will come in time. I go to court every day, 
and walk up and down in my gown and wig. Oh, I'm well 
known. 

Mrs. J. That's all very well, but — 

Johns. Now, my dear Alice, don't you trouble yourself 
about me. Don't dream of going into the country. You, 
young and brilliant as you are, and I, with every promise of 
success and a name, go and shut ourselves up in a hole ! Rust 
out in a village with four or five mummies— 

Mrs. J. Well, obtain a case then. That is necessary, at 
all events, to quiet mamma. She is determined we shall 
leave London, and I am in the habit of obeying her, because 
— well, because she is always right. 

Johns. Well, now you be quiet. I will go and call upon 
the President of the Assizes this very day. 

Mrs. J. Do so, by all means. Explain to him your situa- 
tion. Perhaps he may — 

Johns. Give me an office with twelve shillings an hour, 
or so. 

Mrs. J. It is not much, I know, but it will please mamma, 
and that is a great deal. 

Mrs. Still. (Outside.) Hold your tongue ! 

Mrs. J. There's mamma. 

Johns. So it seems. (Goes to r.) 



11 

Enter Mrs. Still, in a rage. 

Mrs. S. You are an insolent hussy ! Do you hear ? inso- 
lent! 

Johns. What is the trouble, mother-in-law ? 
Mrs. S. That miserable — See here. You must dismiss 
the cook this instant. 

Johns. {Aside.) Halloo ! Another one to go ? 
Mrs. J. What has happened ? 

Mrs. S. In going out, just now, I said to myself, Stop ; 
I'll just take a look into the kitchen. Lo! Angelina was not 
there ; she never is. 

Johns. (Aside?) What a whopper ! 

Mrs. S. (Loolcing at J. severely.) There are some people 
who are always out. 

Johns. (Aside.) Caught. 

Mrs. S. I availed myself of the opportunity to take a gen- 
eral inspection of the premises; and fancy what I found. 
A letter in a sauce-pan ! I was just beginning to read it 
when that girl came in ; and in the first place she never said 
good morning to me! 

Ang. (Putting her head in at tlie doors 7>acfc.) Excuse me, 
madam; I said good morning. 

Mrs. S. Oh, you're listening now, are you? 
Mrs. J. Go away, Angelina. 

Ang. (Aside.) It's many a time I've left the last word to 
her. (She disappears.) 

Mrs. S. I had just commenced to make some observations, 
for her good, of course, when I heard her mumbling. 
Mrs. J. What did she mumble? 
Mrs. S. She was calling me an old warming-pan. 
Mrs. J. (Horrified.) Oh, mamma! 
Johns. (Laughing.) Warming-pan! 

Mrs. S. (Severely.) And you can laugh! (r<?MRS. J.) Yes, 
my child, she called your mother a warming-pan. 
Ang. (At the doors.) I did no such thing. 
Mrs. S. There again ? 
Mrs. J. Angelina! 

Ang. (Entering.) Why should she say I say things which 
I never did say? 

Mrs. S. (Advancing. ) You did not call me a — 
Ang. No, I didn't. 
Mrs. S. I heard you. 

Ang. Then, if you did hear me, what do you ask me if I 
did for? 
Mrs. S. She avows it ! Leave the house ! 



12 

Ang. I don't take orders from you, marm. 

Johns. (Aside.) That's it! Goon! 

Ang. (lb Mrs. J.) Do you dismiss me, mistress? 

Mrs. J. Yes. 

Ang. Yery well. It will be a trouble to find so hard a 
place as this. (She brandishes her dusting-brush, throws it on 
a chair, and exits at 'bach.) 

Mrs. S. Oh, these servants! What a brood! 

Johns. Well, so we are without a cook. 

Mes. S. And pray, would you consent to eat a meal which 
had been served up by a person who had insulted your 
mother-in-law? 

Johns. But I considered her cooking excellent. 

Mrs. S. You've no heart. 

Johns. (Aside.) That's quite possible; but I have a 
stomach. 

Mrs. S. (Throwing herself upon the sofa.) I've a great mind 
to send to the country for Tomkins' sister. 

Johns. The two would make a nice pair! (Sits at table.) 

Mrs. S. (To Mrs. J.) Have you spoken to your husband? 

Mrs. J. Yes, mamma. 

Mrs. S. Well? 

Johns. Well, I refuse. 

Mrs. S. You refuse ? 

Johns. Flatly. 

Mrs. S. There must be some powerful motives which at- 
tach you to London. 

Johns. How do you mean ? 

Mrs. S. I mean for a husband who has nothing to do, and 
constantly absents himself from home. 

Johns. I fail to comprehend you. t 

Mrs. S. Ever since you have been married, your study here 
has been the very picture of emptiness. 

Johns. Emptiness is attractive, mother-in-law. 

Mrs. S. That may be; but it hasn't attracted clients. 
You have not had one case yet. 

Johns. Well, that's not my fault. I have clients, but 
they have no suits. 

Mrs. S. Then they are not clients; merely acquaintances. 

Johns. But an advocate's duties do not consist in plead- 
ing alone. For instance, I have an arbitration this evening. 

Mrs. J. (Rising.) Indeed ! (Mrs. S. rises and goes r.) 

Johns. Yes, in the famous Cheatwell trial. 

Mrs. J. (Joyfully.) Oh, mamma! an arbitration ! 

Mrs. S. Well, and what of it ? 

Mrs. J. Why, you see, he is beginning to work. 



13 

Mits. S. Then you are going out this evening ? 

Johns. Yes, only for a short time. 

Mrs. S. When have you passed an evening at home ? 

Johns. But I am always called out upon business. Duty 
before all. 

Mrs. J. Certainly! 

Johns. Besides, have I not been appointed counsel for 
Major Rodney Tumblebull ? 

Mrs. S. {Disdainfully.) Humph! That is a nice distinc- 
tion! 

Johns. Major Tumblebull is an old friend of my family, 
and of yours, too, so far as that goes ! 

Major Tumblebull. (Putting his head in at doors at back.) 
Ha ! They are taking my name in vain ! 

Mrs. S. A fine client that for you to have, and one who 
will set you a good example ! A gentleman who lives a most 
questionable sort of life ! 

Major T. (Aside.) Indeed! 

Mrs. S. He's neither brains nor anything else! An old 
goose who has been obliged to have a guardian placed over 
him to see that he does not waste what little he has left ! A 
perfect gad-about and a roue, I 

Enter Major Tumblebull. 

Major T. Thank you, madam thank you. You certainly 
hand-le me sans ceremonie, and without gloves ! 

All. Major Tumblebull ! 

Major. (To Mrs. S.) You are very considerate of your 
friends, madam. It makes no difference, however, for I 
bear you no malice. (Kisses her hand.) 

Mrs. S. You were eaves-dropping, flatterer! A regular 
old bachelor's trick ! 
• Major. A bachelor ! It is your fault that I am so ' 

Mrs. S. Mine! 

Major. Was I not once young, rich and handsome ? You 
repulsed me ! Since then I have sought to annihilate mem- 
ory, (with an amorous glance,) hut without success. 

Mrs. S. (Pleased.) Hush, you flirt! 

Major. (Passing his hand through his hair, as if to collect his 
ideas.) What was I going to say ? 

Johns. (Laughing.) You were assuring my mother-in-law 
that your memory w T as not to be annihilated. 

Major. Yes, but it was not for that that I came here. 
(Rubbing his head.) Why did I come? Singular! I'm 
very much muddled at times. 

Mrs. J. It will come to you. Pray be seated, 



14 

Major. Oh no, thank you, for when I sit down I drop off 
to sleep. It's blasted odd, I know; I have good nights, but 
for all that I'm bothered with somnolence all day. 

Mrs. S. We will leave you, gentlemen ; come, Alice, let 
us attend to kitchen matters. 

Mrs. J. Yes, mamma. 

Major. (Saluting.) Ladies. 

Mrs. S. (To Major.) Pray don't demoralize my son-in- 
law. [Exeunt Mrs. S. and Mrs. J. 

Major. There's a woman for you ! Ah, how happy I could 
have made her ! Hey-day ! 

Johns. (Laughing.) There, there. Let my mother-in-law 
slide. What is it you have to say to me ? 

Major. What have I to say to you ? Listen. All, there 
are two things ! In the first place I wish to see .you about 
my allowance. 

Johns. But you have over-drawn this month by four 
days. 

Major. Really ! I did not think it. 

Johns. Fact ! You have already started on next month's 
money. 

Major. (Sadly.) Indeed! (Aside.) \ must try my little 
dodge. (Aloud.) But after all it was not so much the al- 
lowance which brought me here as — (Aside.) We have him 
where the hair is short. (Aloud.) — as that I have trapped 
a client for you. 

Johns. (In ecstasy.) A client with a suit! 

Major. A superb affair. A lady of rank, with a longing 
to be rid of her husband. 

Johns. A divorce wanted ? What luck ! What's her 
name ? 

Major. (Troubled.) Lady-— Lady— Blasted odd of me, I 
have forgotten her name. 

Johns. No matter, so long as she has business ; that is 
all. 

Major. She happened to come to a house where I was 
calling yesterday. Let me see, in — in — in some square or 
other. 

Johns. No matter ; go on. 

Major. Well, they were talking over the advocate, Mr. 
John Pleadmore — 

Johns. The most celebrated lawyer in London. I know 
him. 

Major. So do I ; and they asked my opinion of his ability. 
Well, (troubled,) let me see, what did I say ? Blasted odd 
of me, I can't think. Oh, Eureka! I have it! "Plead- 



15 

more," said I, "is one of the flowers of our bar." Rather 
good figure, I thought. Wish I could have said wall instead 
of bar, because I could have made a pun at old Pleadmore's 
expense — icall-floicer, see ? 

Johns. Very good indeed. "What did you say next? 

Major. Oh, I assured them that Pleadmore was not in 
London. 

Johns. What ! Not in London? Why, it was only yes- 
terday that I met him in Court. 

Major. Bother your stupidity ! I swore to them that the 
physicians had sent him to Italy, with a case of paralysis of 
the tongue. 

Johns. Fancy ! 

Major. Then I mentioned you, and said that I knew you 
only by reputation. I told them that your specialty was 
divorces, and that you had separated no less than five hun- 
dred of the most spoony couples that ever stubbed their 
toes upon the course of true love. In fact, I white-washed 
you, gave your address, and to-day at four o'clock — 

Johns. My dear friend, how can I thank you ! I am ut- 
terly at a loss to express myself. 

Major. Oh, that is of very little account to me, (aside,) 
so long as I get hold of the purse-strings again. 

Johns. My first case, and how promising ! You can form 
no idea of the service you have done me. My mother-in-law 
insists that I shall leave London because I have nothing to 
do. Dear Major Tumblebull, allow me ! (Shakes hands.) 

Major. (Aside.) JeVai! English, I have him. For- 
ward, battalion ! (Aloud:) Are you quite sure I have over- 
run my allowance for this month? 

Johns. Four clays ago. 
..Major. Four days ago? Blasted odd ! I don't recollect 
doing so. But you see I have had to pay for several things in 
advance ; now if you could allow me — 

Johns. Oh, impossible, Major! 

Major. A mere trifle only. Two hundred pounds. 

Johns. Two hundred pounds ! 

Major. You cannot refuse, after the favor I have shown 
you. 

Johns. But what do you do with your money ? Four 
hundred a month, and a bachelor, too ! 

Major. But every thing is so dear. 

Johns. (Shaking his head.) Major, I — 

Kate. (Putting her head in at the doors at oaclc and looking 
at the Major.) There's somebody to see you, sir. 

Major. (Astonished.) Me ! 



16 

Kate. No, not you. (Looking at Johns.) Him ! 

Johns. What name ? 

Kate. Didn't ask. 

Johns. You must always inquire the names of visitors. 

Kate. Shall I go and ask the woman her name ? 

Johns. (Starting.) Is it a lady, then ? 

Kate. Well, she wore women's clothes. 

Major. Your client, by all that's good ! 

Johns. Beg the lady to walk up. [Exit Kate. 

Major. I will go and join the ladies in the drawing- 
room. I will return by-and-by and talk over the two hun- 
dred pounds. 

Johns. (Opening door, r.) So — go! [Exit Major, r. 

A client ! My first case ! (Enter Lady Mordaunt Blinkers 
with great airs.) Will you be so good as to be seated, 
madam. (Drawing a chair to the l. of his toMe.) I beg ten 
thousand pardons for keeping you waiting. (Moving papers. 
But I had several clients here. 

Lady B. You should not have sent them away on my 
account, sir. 

Johns. I was fairly obliged to do so. You know how it 
is when one is over-crowded with work! (Pushes the papers 
to the other side.) Now, madam, if you will kindly state 
your business ; I am all ears. 

Lady B. (Glancing around.) It will be necessary for me to 
draw up a little closer. 

Johns. Draw up, by all means, madam. 

Lady B. Well, sir, my parents were wealthy, and I had 
the misfortune to lose them when quite young. At eighteen 
years of age I found myself an orphan, and mistress of my 
fortune. 

Johns. An orphan! (Aside.) And they do say that there 
are some men who lie in wait for orphans! 

Lady B. About this period of my life I met in society a 
young man who pleased me, and without considering his 
poverty I married him. For two years Lord Blinkers was a 
charming husband. 

Johns. Lord Blinkers ! 

Lady B. Lord Mordaunt Blinkers, my husband. 

Johns. Oh, I did not know. (Writes.) Blinkers! (Aside.) 
The nobilitv! (Aloud.) Continue, please. 

Lady B. I— 

Mrs. S. (Putting her head in at door, r .) Son-in-law, have 
you seen my gloves ? (She enters and stop* at sight of Lady B.) 
Oh, pardon me, I disturb 3-011. (Lady B. rises.) 

Johns. Be seated, madam, I beg of you. Excuse me one 
moment. (Goes to Mrs. S.) 



17 

Mrs. S. Who is that woman ? 

Johns. (Aside.) A client. 

Mrs. S. (Aside.) A client! I don't believe it. 

Johns. (Aside.) I assure you it is. 

Mrs. S. Present me. 

Johns, I — 

Mrs. S. (Sternly.) Present me! I wish to see her. • 

Johns. (Presenting.) Hum, hum! Lady Mordaunt Blinkers. 
The Hon. Mrs. Chatterton Still, my mother-in-law. 

(They salute.) 

Mrs. S. f beg your pardon, madam, but I was looking 
for my gloves. 

Lady B. (Rising.) Allow me, madam — 

Mrs. S. Oh, what a goose I am, to be sure ! I remember I 
left them in the dining-room. (Aside to Johns.) She's very 
pretty for a client. 

Johns. (Aside.) That's not my fault. 

Mrs. S. (Aside.) I shall keep one eye open. (Aloud, salut- 
ing.) Madam! 

Lady B. (Saluting.) Madam! 

Mrs. S. (Aside.) One eye open! [Exit, R. 

Johns. (Aside.) What fun it would be for me were she 
some other fellow's mother-in-law ! (Seating himself, aloud :) 
I beg ten thousand pardons. You were saying that for two 
years Lord Blinkers made you a charming husband ? 

Lady B. Unfortunately, this did not last. To-day, Lord 
Blinkers is wasting my fortune with a lavish hand. 

Johns. Gambler, no doubt. 

Lady B. No. Lord Blinkers is not a gamoler. 

Johns. Oh, I understand. 

Lady B. No, you do not. He is in the habit of making 
presents of the most expensive kind to a married lady — 

Johns. Indeed! 

Lady B. Whose husband is in America. You can easily 
divine that it is necessary for me to put a stop to this. 
But I fear I cannot obtain a divorce. 

Johns. On the contrary, madam, it will be the easiest 
thing in the world. 

Lady B. Indeed ! How so ? 

Johns. Allow Lord Blinkers to pursue his course ; we will 
resort to means which may appear violent to you. 

Lady B. It makes no difference. The thing is to arrest 
my husband before he impoverishes me. Fancy, sir! He 
has had ten thousand pounds of pin-money already! 
Johns. Ten thousand pounds in pin-money ! 
Lady B. Oh, sir, ten thousand pounds! 

(Kate appears listening at the oaclc.) 



18 

Johns. (Rises and pleads.) Ah! miserable wretches! You, 
who are the lepers of modern society ! You who bear mis- 
fortune, shame, and misery even into the sanctuaries of 
your families! What terms can I find severe enough to 
scourge you with, to nail you to tjie pillory ? You, and your 
accomplices — 

Kate. (Aside, surprised.) How he is treating that woman! 

Lady B. (Seeing Kate.) Sir, we are not alone. 

Johns. (To Kate.) Well, what do you want ? 

Kate. I came to say that there is a client below. 

Johns. Another! 

Kate. In a great taking, sir. In a great taking. 

Lady B. (Rising.) I am imposing upon your time, sir. 

Johns. Oh, madam, believe me! Lose no time! 

Lady B. I am not going to — I shall have the pleasure of 
seeing you again to-morrow. 

Johns. I shall have the honor of waiting upon you. 
(Aside to Kate.) Conduct the lady — 

Kate. What! all the way home ? 

Johns. Idiot! (Conducting Lady B.) Madam, 

[Exeunt at tack. 
IKate. What a wretch that woman must be! Why, he 
said to her, (imitating Johns), "Miserable creature! I 
would see you nailed to a pillory ! " What in the world can 
a pillory be ? 

Johns. (Entering.) Well, who wishes to see me ? 

Kate. (Laughing.) Nobody. It's a joke. 

Johns. What ! 

Kate. Your mother-in-law sent me. 

Johns. (Annoyed.) Ah ! 

Kate. She said as you had been long enough with that 
lady. 

Enter Mns. Still, Mrs. Johns and Major Tumblebull, r. 
Exit Kate, l. 

Major T. Well ? 

Johns. Oh, congratulate me. A superb affair which is 
going to make a great noise. A regular scandal. 

All. Indeed ! 

Johns. Fancy ! A woman of rank.! Lady Mordaunt 
Blinkers in search of a divorce ! And her husband, Lord 
Blinkers, a peer of England I 

Mrs. S. Preposterous ! 

Major. And it was all my doings. 

Mrs. S. What, what, Major ! 

Major. (Seating himself on the sofa.) That is, I obtained 
he case for your son-in-law. (Falls asleep.) 



19 

Johns. Do you understand ? I, Johnston Johns, am to 
plead before ilie nobility, the great wigs of the Bar, and all 
the Press of London. So farewell to country life ! London, 
I am — 

Kate. {Entering.) Master ! 

Johns. Why do you interrupt me ? 

Kate. A letter for you. {Rinding Johns a letter.) 

Johns. Any reply required ? 

Kate. How should I know ? I didn't read it. 

Johns. Stupid ! {Opens letter.) Ah ! The arbitration ! 
I had quite forgetten. Quick, my black coat and hat ! 

Mrs. S. {Severely.) You do not dine with us, then ? 

Johns. Impossible ! I dine with Mr. Silenus Cobb, my 
colleague. We must confer. See ! {Gives Mrs. S. the letter.) 

Kate. {Bringing coat and hat.) Here ! 

Johns. (PvJMng on coat.) To-morrow, business ; to-night, 
pleasure. 

Mrs. 0. starting.) What ? 

Johns. "3h, ah, I said — 

Mrs.. Fj. {Sternly.) You said, "To-night, pleasure." 

Johns, Oh, yes. Because an arbitration, compared with 
a divorce, is a pleasure, relatively speaking. 

Mrs. J. Do not be late to-night, Johnston: 

Johns. An arbitration is a tedious affair, my dear. {Re 
takes light yellow gloves from his pocket.) 

Mrs. S. What ! yellow gloves? 

Johns, {Concealing gloves.) Hum, hum ! I must buy some 
black ones. An arbitration, you know. {Saluting.) Mother- 
in-law ! Alice ! [Exit. 

Mrs. S. Yellow gloves, my dear ! Before twenty-four 
hours are passed over our heads, we must make arrange- 
ments to go to Balefield. 

Mrs. J. Yes, mamma. 

Kate. I say ! You've forgotten the old fellow ! He's 
asleep, too. He'll catch cold. 

{Kate throws a shaiol over the Major.) 

Major. {Starting up.) Asleep again ! And I have such 
good nights. Blasted odd of me ! 

[tableau, curtain.] 



20 

ACT II. 

Scene. — An elegantly furnished drawing-room in the house of Mks. 
Emily Belcher. On the right, a door and a piano. On the left, 
a door and a chimney-piece. Double doors at the back, on the two 
sides of which stand jardinieres of flowers; above the jardinieres, two 
pictures, one of which represents a little dog. Sofas and chairs, K. 
and L. 

(As the curtain rises, Mrs. Emily Belcher is discovered 
lying upon the sofa, r., with a letter in Tier hand; Ange- 
lina and Sophia facing Tier.) 

Mrs. B. (To Angelina.) Why have you left your last 
place ? 

Ang. Because my mistress's mother called me a bad name. 
She said I was a warming-pan. 

Mrs. B. Indeed. 

Sophia. I always said to Angelina I didn't see how she 
could live with such common people.. 

Ang. (Aside to Sophia.) Go on, go on. 

Sophia. If mistress would be good enough to try my 
cousin here, I know she would be satisfied with her. I will 
answer for that. 

Mrs. B. We shall see about that by-and-by. (To Ange- 
lina.) In the mean time, you may remain here with your 
cousin. 

Sophia. Mistress is very good. (Aside to Angelina.) 
Thank her you. 

Ang. I assure you, madam, I — 

Mrs. B. That's all right. You may return to the kitchen. 

Ang. Good evening, Mrs. Belcher. 

(Mrs. B. nods. Exit Angelina at lack.) 

Sophia. (Arranging the lamp on the table.) Does mistress 
expect any one this evening ? 

Mrs. B. Lord Blinkers has an engagement, and therefore 
cannot come. I rather expect Mr. Green Greville, however, 
and, apropos of his coming, have you shut Bijou up ? 

Sophia. Yes, ma'am, she is in your chamber. 

Mrs. B. I must get rid of her in some way. She has bit 
ten Mr. Green Greville once, and barks incessantly when- 
ever she sees him. It was only yesterday that she flew at 
him like a little tigress. 

Sophia. Indeed. Oh, she's perfectly rabid. Shall I light 
the fire in the library ? 



21 

Mrs. B. No, I will receive Mr. Greville here. Give me a 
pack of cards. 

Sophia. {Handing a pack of cards.) Mistress seems troubled 
this evening ? 

Mrs. B. Yes, I am troubled. I have just received this 
letter from America. {Shuffles the cards.) 

Sophia. From master ? 

Mrs. B. No, but from one of his friends who keeps me 
posted. 

Sophia. Really ! 

Mrs. B. He says something of my husband's return to 
London, as though he were not happy in New York. 

Sophia. What a pity ! 

Mrs. B. {Showing the cards.) See ! The Queen of Hearts ! 
She has been furious ever since we were married. She is 
doing all she can to bring about a divorce. 

Sophia. A divorce? 

Mrs. B. {Throwing down the cards and rising.) Oh, these 
cards annoy me. {Bell rings.) There is the door-bell. Go 
quick. [Exit Sophia.] Eight o'clock. It must be Mr. 
Green Greville. 

Sophia. {Entering.) It is Mr. Greville, mistress. 

Mrs. B. Ask him to walk in. 

Sophia. But he is not alone. 

Mrs. B. What ! 

Sophia. He has a friend with him, whom he begs to pre- 
sent. 

Mrs. B. A stranger, and I in this dress ! Show them in. 
I will join them in a moment. [Exit, L. ^ 

Sophia. Very good, mistress. {Going to door, r.) This 
way, if you please, gentlemen. 

Enter Johnston Johns and Silentjs Cobb ; the latter carry- 
ing a oouquet. 

Johns. Certainly, with pleasure. Dear Mrs. Belcher, 
allow me to present — 

Sophia. Mistress is engaged for a moment. 

Johns. Oh, pardon me. 

Sophia. But she begs you will be seated, gentlemen. 

Johns. Thank you, thank you. Here, my dear. {Gives 
Sophia a shilling. ) 

Sophia. A shilling ! Oh, thank you, Mr. Greville. 

[Exit, L. 

Johns. {Seating himself with great airs.) Do as I do, Cobb. 
For heaven's sake, put down your bouquet, and be seated. 

Cobb. With pleasure. I'm ready to drop with fatigue. 



22 

Johns. Well, I have dropped. 

Cobb. {Looking round.) What taste ! 

Johns. Perfect, is it not ? 

Cobb. You say your friend, Mrs. Belcher, is a blonde. 
My Miss Coddleton is a brunette ; and such a complexion ! 

Johns. {Starting.) Coddleton ! I have heard that name 
before. 

Cobb. Oh, it's quite common. But tell me — you are 
sure that there is nothing indiscreet in my coming here 
as I have ? 

Johns. No, not in the least. Presented by me, you will 
find yourself most welcome. 

Cobb. {Looking at the dog '« picture.) See! There's a regu- 
lar King Charles. 

Johns. That is Bijou, my deadliest enemy ; a most rabid 
creature. Still it is to her that I owe my acquaintance with 
Mrs. Belcher. 

Cobb. Some present you have sent her ? 

Johns. No. Fancy ! Just a week ago, I was walking 
in the Strand, when it began to rain, and such a deluge as 
it was. Fortunately there was an omnibus passing at the 
time, and I jumped into it. I stood there looking to the 
right and left for a seat, when the vehicle gave a lurch, and 
I was thrown off my base. 

Cobb. Exactly what happened to me; only I sat down in 
an old lady's lap. 

Johns. So did I ; only mine was young. 

Cobb. Good enough. 

Johns. Just as I found myself comfortably down, I heard 
a shriek of, "Good Heavens, Bijou!" I stammered some 
excuse, when she cried, "You clumsy creature, you have 
crushed my dog! " Thereupon she raised her cloak, and lo! 
there lay Bijou upon an ocean of laces and silks. 

Cobb. Dead ? 

Johns. No, asleep. She woke up, however, and set up 
a deafening howl. The conductor interfered in behalf of 
the passengers' ears, and obliged the lady to get out. A 
cab was passing, and she got into it, but not before I heard 
the address she gave the coachman. An hour later I pre- 
sented myself at the house with a veterinary surgeon, and 
next day I ealled to inquire how Bijou had passed the night. 

Cobb. Sheer diplomacy on your part. 

Johns. Well, you can divine the rest. 

Cobb. {Rising.) Of course. Well, my friend, it was not 
a dog, but a duck who presented me to Miss Coddleton. 

Johns. What a duck, to be sure! 



23 

Cobb. I should say two clucks — a pair of tlieru. It was up 
at the Zoological Gardens. Miss Coddletonwas making the 
rounds on the arm of some old codger, and stopped to ad- 
mire some Chinese ducks — those little fellows with bright 
feathers. 

Johns. I know. 

Cobb. What did I do? Why, I purchased a splendid 
pair ; ten pounds they cost me. 

Johns. Ten pounds! 

Cobb. It was a fearful price, I own ; but taking the ducks 
under my arm, I followed. They took a cab. 

Johns. The ducks? 

Cobb. No, stupid ! The lady and her friend ! I took one 
also, and an hour later I learned her name and address. I 
forthwith sent the ducks, with a most amorous note. 

Johns. Not a bad idea. 

Cobb. That same evening I received a letter of thanks, 
together with an invitation to dinner the next day. I was 
on time, as you may fancy. But judge of my stupefaction, 
when the roast being served, I saw my two little Chinese — 

Johns. Ducks? 

Cobb. Yes, my friend ; there were my ducks served up 
with a white sauce. 

Johns. (Laughing.) A ten-pound roast ! Gods, your Dul- 
cinea must be a regular fool! 

Cobb. No, only a little fantastic. Even while she en- 
joyed the ducks, she told me she should like to try an os- 
trich. Her old fossil of a friend may do that for her ; but 
in the future I mean to confine myself to bouquets. By-the- 
by, where is mine? Oh, there it is on the piano. 

Sophia. (Entering, l.) Gentlemen, here is Mrs. Belcher. 

Johns. Here ! (He draws from his pocket two > button-hole 
bouquets, and gives one to Cobb ; they place tJiem in their coats.) 

Cobb. Thanks ; a little decoration. 

Johns. Imparts a distingue air, you know. 

Enter Mrs. Belcher in full dress, l. Exit Sophia, r. 
Mrs. B. Gentlemen, I am distressed at being obliged to 
keep you waiting. 

Johns and Cobb. (Bowing.) Don't mention it, madam. 

Mrs. B. (To Johns.) Good evening! (They shale hands.) 

Johns. Permit me to present my friend, Sir Drake Watts. 

Cobb. (Aside.) What's he say ? 

Johns. (Hitting Cobb behind.) A secretary of legation. 

Cobb. (Aside.) Thunder! 

Johns. Decorated with several foreign Orders, and the 



24 

poet of the hour. (Aside to Cobb :) Now you're in clear 
water. 

Mrs. B. (Advancing and talcing Cobb's hand.) Sir Drake, 
I'm enchanted to meet you, especially as you are a friend of 
Mr. Green Greville. 

Cobb. (Aside.) Green Greville ! 

Johns. (Aside.) That is I. 

Cobb. (Aside.) What next ? 

Mrs. B. Be seated, I pray. 

Johns. (Presenting Cobb's bouquet.) Dear Mrs. Belcher, 
will you do me the pleasure to accept these few flowers ? 

Mrs. B. (Graciously.) You never have forgotten how I 
love flowers. 

Johns. (Gallantly.) They are a charming reminiscence to 
me of you, and 1 trust the rule works both ways. 

Mrs. B. What a charming sentiment! (She rises and 
places the bouquet in a vase upon the mantel.) 

Cobb. (Aside.) Thunder, man! That's my bouquet you 
are giving away there ! 

Johns. (Aside.) Oh, you can take it when you go. * 

Mrs. B. (Returning to the sofa.) Well, Sir Drake, what is 
there new at the Embassy ? 

Cobb. (Embarrassed.) Well — (aside) — he may have put 
me in clear water, but it's mighty deep all the same. (Aloud :) 
There is really nothing new under the sun. You know, 
politics — 

Johns. (Disgusted.) Politics! 

Cobb. Remain about the same. One party skirmishes 
here — ( With a gesture.) 

Johns. (Mocking him.) And another there. 

Cobb. And some — 

Mrs. B. (Laughing.) Skirmish all round. 

Cobb. That's about it. I see you understand. It is 
rather tiresome for those 'who want to stand in the middle 
to be skirmished on all sides. 

Johns. (Aside.) Lor! He's done for. 

Mrs. B. (Aside.) How very stupid, for a nobleman! 

Cobb. (Aside.) I'm positively afraid of her. 

Mrs. B. (Rising.) Won't you have a cup of tea, Sir 
Drake ? 

Cobb. Oh, thanks, yes! (Aside to Johns:) My time has 
come. 

Mrs. B. I'm going to ring for the tea. (Goes to mantel.) 

Cobb. I must confess to feeling a little indisposed tnis 
evening. 

Mrs. B. Oh, the tea will put you all right. 



25 

Cobb. (Rising.) No, I think I had better go. 

Mrs. B. Shall I send for a cab ? 

Cobb. Oh, there^s no need, thank you. 

Johns. (Aside.) He's nothing to pay for one with. 

Mrs. B. (Insisting.) Oh, yes. Pray allow me. My ser- 
vant will summon one in a moment. 

Johns. Sir Drake does not require a cab. (Aside to Cobb :) 
Don't make a fool of yourself. Tell her the truth. 

Mrs. B. (Astonished.) The truth ? 

Johns. Yes ; it is that my friend desires to make a call 
in this neighborhood. It is nine o'clock, and Miss Coddle- 
ton will be expecting him. 

Mrs. B. Miss Coddleton ! Why, she is my cousin, and is 
staying with me. She is in the music room at this very 
moment. 

Cobb. (Aside.) It's all up with Sir Drake now. 

Mrs. B. I will accompany, and introduce you. 

Cobb. A thousand thanks, madam. (Aside :) Oh, Lord ! 

Mrs. B. (Aside to Johns.) I will return in a moment. 
(They speak together.) 

Cobb. Oh, my bouquet ! (Rushes to the mantel and raises 
the bouquet.) No use. She has put it in water. (Mrs. B. goes, 
r.) (Aside to Johns:) Wretch, she's put it in water! 
(Saluting Mrs. B.) Madam. 

[Exeunt Mrs. B. and Cobb, r. 

Johns. (Laughing.) Ah, poor Cobb, how embarrassed he 
was. (Throws himself upon a sofa.) Oh, how nice it is here, 
to be sure ; so quiet. The flowers, the hangings, the light — 
all, all is Elysian. And then to be rid of forever hearing 
that sharp voice, " son-in-law, son-in-law. " (Rises.) Posi- 
tively, when my mother-in-law is not round, I am a man ; 
I expand. (Sits at piano and drums a tune.) 

Ang. (Entering at the ~bac~k.) Why, here I am again. I've 
lost my way. 

Johns. (Perceives her with terror.) Angelina ! Here ? (He 
turns his tack and begins to sound a key furiously.) 

Ang. (Starting.) Oh, pardon me, sir. 

Johns. ( Changing his wice. ) I'm the tuner ! the tuner ! 

Ang. (Aside.) This tuner seems uncomfortable about 
something. 

Johns. (Tapping the keys.) Go away ! go away ! 

Ang. I'm going, sir. (Disappears at back.) 

Johns. (Rising, terrified.) Angelina ! Am I watched ? 
Angelina here? It cannot be possible. I must be suffering 
from some temporary derangement ! Well, for the sake of 
prudence, I'll just close that door, and confiscate the key. 
(Closes door at back, and pockets the key.) -There. 



26 

Ang. {Entering, ft.) Well done. This house is a regular 
maze. (Sees Johns.) What ! 

Johns. (Wildly.) Well ! 

Ang. You here, sir ? 

Johns. Yes — that is to say, no. I was passing, and 
merely came up. 

Ang. Why, Sophy said that Mrs. Belcher's oeau was up 
here. 

Johns. (Horrified.) Will you be quiet ! 

Ang. (Darting round a sofa, followed uy Johns.) Oh, Mr. 
Johns ! 

Johns. Plague take you I If you say one word — But you 
don't know me ; you have never seen me before. 

Ang. (Laughing.) Ah, ha ! What, Mr. Johnston Johns, 
the advocate ? 

Johns. (Excited.) Here ! Here's a sovereign. 

Ang. (Taking it.) Why, it's only a shilling, sir. 

Johns. (Pushing her out.) Oh, that's all right. 

(Angelina goes out, r. Johns falls upon a chair.) 

Ang. (Putting in her Tiead.) If you'll speak a good word 
for me, I'll not tell what — 

Johns. (Rising.) Yes, yes. I'll say all you want me to 
say, only go away ! (Pushes her, it., and closes the dooi\) Good 
heavens ! How my heart beats! If that girl remains 
here, she will speak ! She must leave, and at once. I'll 
find her a place — in Africa. I would not have her doubt 
me for worlds. Here she is. 

Mrs. B. (Entering, r.) Well, here I am again. Now I'm 
all yours. (Sits iqwn sofa, r., Johns sits oeside her.) 

Johns. Ah ! I have awaited you impatiently. 

Mrs. B. See ! a new ring. (Shows her hand.) 

Johns. Like your new maid, I don't recognize it. 

Mrs. B. Oh, she is Sophy's cousin. My jeweler insisted 
I should take it, but I hesitated. 

Johns. Well, don't keep her ; she's a very bad cook. 

Mrs. B. I was not speaking of the cook, but of this ring. 

Johns. Oh, keep the ring by all means ; it is superb. 

Mrs. B. And not so very dear ; only two hundred 
pounds. 

Johns. Oh, that's nothing. What do you call her ? 

Mrs. B. It is an emerald. 

Johns. Kot your ring ; your maid. 

Mrs. B. Oh, Angelina, I believe. 

Angelina. (Appears, r., listening.) They are talking about 






27 

Mrs. B. It is very bright ; and they assured ine it was 
faultless. 

Johns. Oh, well. But the very best servants have some 
faults. 

Mrs. B. (Puzzled.) What ? 
Johns. Do you know where she comes from ? 
Mrs. B. Who ? What ? 
Johns. Why, this woman, Angelina ! 
Mrs. B. It seems to me the girl interests you in an extra- 
ordinary way. She appears to be a mania wrth you. Can't 
you attend to me ? 

Ano. (Aside.) He is going to recommend me now. 
Johns. I merely wish to say that the girl displeases me 
particularly. 

Ang. (Starting.) Ah, the wretch ! 
Johns. You know I have strong prejudices, and she — 
Ano. Listen to him ! 

Mrs. B. Oh, well, what matters it? I'll dismiss her. 
That's all. I will send her away to-morrow. 

Johns. (Kisses Iter hand.) That is a greater favor than 
I dared to ask. 

Ang. Oh, I'll be revenged ! [Disappears. 

Mrs. B. But my ring — it is not paid for. 
Johns. It shall be. Trust me. (Aside:) Though Heaven 
knows where the money is to come from ! 

Sophia. (Entering in haste.) Mistress, mistress! 
Mrs. B. What is it, Sophy ? 
Sophia. Lord Mordaunt Blinkers is below. 
Mrs. B. Good Heavens, what shall we do ! Oh, pardon 
me, Mr. Greville ; a most unexpected visit. 
Johns. Give mc my hat, quick! 
Mrs. B. (Pointing to the back.) Go that way. 
Johns. (Goes Mel.) Locked! No key! [Goes, l. 

Mrs. B. No, no ! There is no way out there ! 
Johns. (Punning to r.) This way, then ? 
Mrs. B. Impossible! You will meet him ! Oh, I have 
it! Sophy, tell Lord Blinkers that I am very ill, and that 
the doctor is with me. Go! [Exit Sophia. 

Johns. (Calling.) Say that I am very ill. 
Mrs. 3. No, no; not yon ! Jam the invalid, you are the 
doctor. 
Johns. (Stupefied.) You, ill ! I, the — 
Mrs. B. The lamp ! Put it down ! 
Johns. Yes, yes! (Puts lamp on the floor '.) 
Mrs. B. (Wildly.) Oh dear, no! Turn down the light ! 
(Johns lowers the light ; Mrs. B. thrmes herself upon a sofa and 



28 

hinds her head in a handkerchief.) There, come and sit by me, 
quick! Here, feel of my pulse! (Johns does as he is told.) 
Don't be so nervous; you tremble like a leaf. 

Sophia. {Entering.) Chut! 

Mrs. B. Attention now! (In a iceah voice, as Lord 
Blinkers enters:) Oh, doctor, do you consider me in a 
critical condition? (Aside.) Answer. 

Johns. (Nervously.) Oh, a few leeches and plasters — 

Mrs. B. (Aside.) Be quiet. 

Sophia. (Advancing.) Mistress, here is his lordship. 

Mrs. B. (Weakly.) Oh, is it you, dear friend? I did not 
think to see you this evening. (Johns rises.) 

Lord B. And I did not expect to find you thus. Are 
you very ill ? 

Mrs. B. Oh, very. But thanks to this good doctor — 
(Looks for JonNS.) Where is he ? 

Lord B. Pray do not allow me to disturb you, doctor. 

Johns. (Confused.) Oh, yes; quite so, quite so ! 

Mrs. B. Oh, you were looking for the ink, were you not, 
doctor? You will find it on the table yonder. 

Lord B. (Pointing.) On the table, doctor ! On the 
table ! 

Johns. (Aside.) Heaven grant he does not recognize me! 

(Seats himself at the table and pretends to write.) 

Lord B. I had a box for the opera sent me at the last 
moment, and I came in haste to see — 

Mrs. B. Oh, it would be impossible, my lord ! Impossi- 
ble! 

Lord B. So I see. 

Mrs. B. You must go alone. 

Lord B. No. I will leave you; but I shall return 
home. (Goes to Johns.) What are you prescribing, doctor ? 

Johns. (Troubled.) Oh, nothing in particular. A few 
plasters and leeches, and an emetic. 

Lord B. (Aghast.) What! All at once ? 

Johns. No; one after the other. The emetic to-morrow, 
if she is not better. 

Mrs. B. Thanks to the devotions of this dear, good phy- 
sician, I — ■ 

Lord B. (Holding out his hand.) Doctor, allow me. 

(They shake hands.) 

Johns. Oh, don't mention it, sir. 

Lord B. It is nothing serious, is it ? 

Johns. Oh, no. Fatigue, emotion — 

Lord B. What emotion ? 



29 

Johns. Yes ; emotion which causes the fatigue. 

Lord B. What fatigue ? 

Johns. The fatigue which causes the emotion. 

Loud B. I see. Well, I leave her in your care. 

Johns. Be at rest. You may do so. 

Lord B. (To Mrs. B.) Good-night. 

Mrs. B. Au revoir, my friend. 

Lord B. (Aside to Mrs. B.) You.have changed your phy- 
sician. 

Mrs. B. Yes, a long time ago. 

Lord B. I was not aware of the fact. I will inquire for 
you to-morrow morning. 

Mrs. B. Thank you. I think I shall sleep. 

Lord B. Doctor. 

Johns. (Starting.) Ah— oh— yes. Did you speak ? 

Lord B. Do not leave your patient until she is relieved. 

Johns. Trust me, my lord. 

Lord B. Come, Sophia. 

[Exeunt Lord B. and Sophia on tip-toe. 

Johns. (Falling into a chair.) Thank heaven! 

Mrs. B. (Listening.) Silence! He is there still. 

Johns. I'm more dead than alive. 

Sophia. (Entering.) He's gone. 

Johns. (Relieved.) At last! (lie draws out his handkerchief 
and the key falls.) 

Mrs. B. The key of that door in your pocket. Put it 
back, Sophy. (She rises.) 

Johns. So it seems. 

Mrs. B. How did it come there ? 

Johns. I can't say. (Struck with an idea.) Ah ! so that 
we might be alone. 

Mrs. B. My poor friend, I am so sorry for you. How 
nervous you were ! 

Johns. Well, but I am not used to such agitating scenes. 
They move me as much as they agitate me ; and they agitate 
ine more than they move me. May I have a glass of water— 
(Mrs. B. goes to table to prepare it)— with a little sugar— 
and a dash of Cognac, if you have it. (Aside:) Give me 
my mother-in-law, rather than this. (Noise outside.) 

Mrs. B. (Starting.) What is that noise? (The door at 
back is thrown open, and Cobb dashes in, breathless.) 
Cobb. (In alarm.) My friend, my friend— 

Mrs. B. Sir Drake ! 

Johns. (Rushing to him.) Eh! What is it? 
Cobb. Hide me, hide me somewhere. 
Mrs. B. and Johns. What is the trouble? 



30 

Cobb. The old, the old man has come. I had just time 
to fly up to back stairs here. But I believe he saw me, and 
that he is after me. {Sounds outside.) Yes, here he comes. 

Johns. (Looks out-door at back.) Major Rodney Tumble- 
bull ! (He rushes through door, L., and closes it.) 

Cobb. (Bashes after Johns, but finds the door locked. In de- 
spair:) Locked! (Trembles from head to foot.) 

Majoii T. (Rushes in at door back, very much moved.) Par- 
don me, Mrs. Belcher, for rushing in upon you without my 
hat, but I've lost my head. (Sees Cobb.) Oh, remain sir. 
Pray, do not let me disturb you. 

Cobb. (Aside.) He does not recognize me. 

Mrs. B. (To Cobb.) Do not leave me, sir; I wish to speak 
with you. Now, Major, what is it? (Dog barks furiously , l.) 
Good heavens, there's Bijou! 

Major. No, madam ; it is Miss Coddleton. 

Mbs. B. (At door, l.) Bijou, Bijou ; stop this minute. 

Majob. That horrid dog ! Oh, Mrs. Belcher, I must tell 
you that Miss Coddlet®n expected me this evening, and I 
was late. I should have been here by six o'clock, but I 
fell asleep. Blasted odd of me, I know. My nights are 
good, too. 

Mrs. B. Well. (Aside to Cobb :) He does not know you. 

Major. Well, as I came in, I found Miss Coddleton in 
hysterics. I flew for the salts, but found none. So I have 
come here to beg — 

Mrs. B. With pleasure, Major. Here are mine. 

Major. (To Cobb.) I'm desperate to have been obliged 
to interrupt your tete-d-tcte. 

Cobb. Don't mention it, sir. 

Sophia. (Entering in haste.) Mistress, mistress, here 
comes his lordship back ! 

Mrs. B. (With a shriek.) What! {Throws herself on the sofa.) 

Sophia. He is close upon my heels. 

Major. (Starting to go.) Eh? Who is it? 

Mrs. B. (Wildly.) Iiemain. 

Enter Lord Blinkers, in haste, pale and agitated. 

Lord B. I'm back again. Such a dreadful thing! (Sees 
the gentlemen.) Oh, pardon me. (Salutes the gentlemen.) 

Mrs. B. These gentlemen are here to beg my salts for a 
lady who has fainted. 

Major. I have asked this lady and gentleman's pardon 
for having disturbed them. 

Mrs. B. (Aside.) Oh, you old stupid! 

Lord B. Oh, then this gentleman was here — 






° 1 

V L 

Mrs. B. Yes, my lord. This gentleman is the doctor. 

Lord B. The doctor ! Why, just now — 

Mrs. B. Yes, you saw the other one; but they sent for 
him. This physician is a homceopathist. 

Major. (To Cobb.) Oh, sir, are you a doctor? 

Cobb. Yes, a disciple of Hahnemann, you know — the 
little sugar-pill man. 

Mrs. B. Doctor Watts. 

Major. Oh, then, you will be so good as to come to Miss 
Coddleton for one moment. Mrs. Belcher will permit it. 

Cobb. (Starting.) You wish me — to — 

Mrs. B. Go, by all means, doctor. (Aside:) What a 
joke ! (Aloud :) Here is the vinaigrette. 

Cobb. Are you sure you wish me to attend Miss Coddle- 
ton? 

Major. (Earnestly.) Oh, I beg you as a favor to me. 
[Exeunt the Major and Cobb at the back. 

Mrs. B. (Aside.) Oh, to think of poor Mr. Green Gre- 
ville in that room all this time at the mercy of Bijou! 

Lord B. You are better, dear Mrs. Belcher? 

Mrs. B. Yes, a little. 

Lord B. Something terrible has occurred. 

Mrs. B. Indeed, what is it ? 

Lord B. Lady Mordaunt Blinkers knows all ! 

Mrs. B. Oh, nonsense ! 

Lord B. I had no sooner returned home than I was in- 
formed by her ladyship's maid that her ladyship had already 
sued for a divorce. 

Mrs. B. True? 

Lord B. This very day she went to consult an advocate, 
one Johnston Johns. Now, in order to shun the scandal of 
a public trial, I have come to a desperate determination. I 
am here to bid you adieu. 

Mrs. B. You are going away ? 

Lord B. It is necessary. To-morrow morning, I shall call 
upon this Johnston Johns, this advocate, and try to nip this 
disgraceful affair in the bud ; then, during the day, I shall 
set out for Italy. I shall travel for several weeks, and I 
hope that this rupture — 

Mrs. B. A rupture ! 

Lord B. Apparent rupture, will calm Lady Blinkers, and 
that she will abandon her suit. 

(Sound of a dog barking, l.) 

Mrs. B. (Aside.) Heavens! Bijou again! and poor Mr. 
Green Greville's there ! 

Lord B. That dog is unbearable. What makes her bark 
so? 



32 

Mrs. B. {Starting.) Ob, nothing! Nothing at all ! Pray, 
do not mind it ! She will be quiet in a moment ! 

Loud B. It must be most annoying to you. Wait ! 

(He goes toicard door, l. ) 

Mrs. B. (Rising.) What is he going to do ? (Shrieks:) 
Oh! 

Lord B. (Running to Tier.) What is it ? 

(Mrs. B. falls upon the sofa.) 

Mrs. B. (Talcing his hands.) Oh, do not leave me! My 
nerves, my nerves! 

Major T. (Entering.) I came to return your salts — 

Lord B. Here, quick ! Give it to me ! 

Mrs. B. (Raising her voice.) Kill her! Kill her! 

Major. Kill whom ? (Crash in room, l.) 

Mrs. B. (Aside.) He understands. 

Lord B. It is an attack of hysteria ! (To Mrs. B. :) Here, 
madam, smell this. 

Major. (Surprised.) Well, well! What has got into this 
house? Everybody has hysteria ! Blasted odd! 

Lord B. (Holding the salts.) There — so., Inhale. 

Major. Mysterious things, these attacks of the nerves. 
People do not seem to know what they are saying. Fancy, 
when I returned to the music-room with the doctor just now, 
Miss Coddleton shrieked out, "What! you, again, impru- 
dent man! " and yet she never saw the man before in her 
life. (Sits on a sofa.) Blasted odd, these emotions, these 
nerves; blasted — (Falls asleep.) 

Mrs. B. (Rising.) It is past. I am better now. You 
must go, my lord. 

Lord B. And leave you alone ? 

Mrs. B. I am in need of rest. This news of your depar- 
ture, so sudden. You will write to me, will you not ? 

Lord B. Oh, yes ; often. 

Mrs. B. Every day ? 

Lord B. Perhaps. (Kisses her hand.) Courage. 

Mrs. B. I shall think of you. (The Major snores.) 

Lord B. What ! That old man asleep here ? Wake up, 
old man, wake up ! 

Major. (Dreaming.) Imprudent man! Eh? What? 
(Starts up.) Oh, pardon me. I was dozing. Blasted odd 
of me. My nights are good ; but, in spite of that — 

Mrs. B. Au revoir, gentlemen. 

Major. I shall run round the square to wake myself 
up. 

Mrs. B. And Miss Coddleton ? 

Major. Oh, she is all right. The doctor is with her. 



33 

Lord B< Dear Mrs. Belcher — I might almost say Emily 
upon this occasion — I shall write to you. 

Mrs. B. Every day ? 

Major. {Saluting.) Madam! {Taking Lord B.'s arm.) 
Blasted odd of me! My nights are so good! 

[Exeunt the Major and Lord B. 

(Mrs. B. follows them, to oe sure they are gone ; then she runs to 
door l. and knocks.) 

Mrs. B. You may come in, Mr. Greville. {Enter Johnston 
Johns, pale and haggard ; his hair and cravat in disorder.) 
Good heavens, my dear friend, how you do look ! 

Johns. I have slain Bijou ! I strangled her ! 

Mrs. B. She is dead, then ? 

Johns. It was an absolute necessity. She would have torn 
me in pieces. 

Mrs. B. {Looking at his hands.) What ! Did she bite 
you ? 

Johns. Barked and bit both ! Tell me, has she drank any 
water to-day ? 

Mrs. B. I do not know. 

Johns. Heaven forbid that I should go mad! 

Sophia. {Entering with tea-tray.) Here is the tea. 

Johns. Oh, yes, a cup ; 'twill warm me. It was very cold 
in your chamber. I was half frozen. 

Sophia. Oh, master's dressing-gown! 

Mrs. B. Yes, Mr. Greville^ take off your coat. 

Johns. How my teeth chatter! {Puts on dressing-gown.) 

Mrs. B. Stay, here is a smoking-cap I was embroidering. 

{Puts cap on his head.) 

Johns. Oh, thank you; I am already better. 

Sophia. {Preparing the tea.) Mistress is served. 

Johns. Oh, Gods, what an evening I am having! 

Mrs. B. {With cup of tea.) Here, try this. Take care ; 
it is boiling. 

Johns. {Tasting.) Oh, just a little Cognac in it. It will 
cool the tea and warm me. 

Mrs. B. Sophy, you may retire. [Exit Sophia, r. 

Johns. {Mournfully.) What a chapter of accidents! 

Mrs. B. Never mind. It is all over now. Do you feel 
better ? 

Johns. Yes, the heat begins to revive me. I am not used 
to exciting emotions, so that I — {Drinks. A loud knocking is 
heard.) Hark ! What's that ? {He rises.) 

Mrs. B. Silence ! 



34 

Voice. {Outside.) Open, in the name of the law. 

Johns. {Aghast.) In the name of the law ? 

Mrs. B. {Horrified.) The Chief of Police ! 

Johns. My mother-in-law has sent him. 

Mrs. B. In heaven's name, fly ! 

Johns. Oh, yes. How ? where ? (Mrs. B. puts out the 
lamp ) I'm blind now. I can't see. {The door, r., is thrown 
open ; enter the Chief op Police and his Secretary. Johns 
rushes to the left.) 

Chief. There he is. 

Mrs. B. What does this mean, sir ? 

Chief. Do not be alarmed, madam; a mere formality. I 
am here at the request of certain parties to establish the 
presence of Lord Mordatmt Blinkers in your house, at this 
late hour of the night. 

Mrs. B. But Lord Blinkers is not here. 

Sec You are mistaken, madam, there he stands. 

Enter Sophia and Angelina with lights. Mrs. B. falls upon 
a sofa. 

Sec. His Lordship Mordaunt Blinkers was concealed in 
yonder room. 

Johns. {Aside.) They take me for Blinkers. 

Chief. Your name, sir? 

Johns. {Speaking to himself.) Mordaunt Blinkers! — and it 
is I who — 

Chief. {To Secretary.) That's he. Write. 

Johns. {To himself.) It was I who counseled Lady 
Blinkers to have him seized. {Falls upon a chair, with his 
head in his hands.) 

Chief. {To Secretary.) Have you made a note of the 
dressing-gown and the smoking-cap ? 

Sec. Yes, sir. 

Chief. Give it to me. {Takes paper.) That is sufficient 
for us; we will retire. {To Sophia:) Will you be good 
enough to show us out ? 

Ang. {Taking Johns' coat and hat from a chair.) At last 
I am revenged ! 

[tableau, curtain.] 



35 

ACT III. 

Scene. — Same as in Act I. 

(As the curtain rises, Kate is discovered dusting the writing* 
table. ) 
Kate. It is very queer and I don't understand it. Here's 
master out already, and I don't believe he ever set his foot 
outside the door until after his breakfast before in his life. 
Hark, here he comes. 

Enter Johnston Johns at back, with a package in his hand. 

Johns. Has my wife left her room ? 

Kate. No, sir; not yet. 

Johns. Good. (Places package on the table. ) 

Kate. (Surprised.) Why, you have shaved your whiskers ! 

Johns. Yes ; does it change me ? 

Kate. Oh, yes ; you are awfully ugly without them. 

Johns. Eh? 

Kate. I mean you were much handsomer with them. 

Johns. Do you think I should not be recognized ? 

Kate. Well, I recognized you because I did. But, surely, 
those who don't know you, wouldn't recognize you. 

Johns. Idiot, you! 

Kate. Oh, it's a real shame, those pretty whiskers! 

Johns. Another time I will consult you before shaving. 
( Takes a coat out of the package. ) 

Kate. Well, you'll make no mistake if you do so, sir. 

Enter Silenus Cobb at the lack. 

Johns. Ah, Cobb, my dear fellow, come in. Leave us, 
Kate. 

Kate. What for ? 

Johns. (Angry.) No matter ; go away. 

Kate. Where ? 

Johns. Wherever you will ; I don't care. {Exit Kate. 

Cobb. I was very anxious to see you, to learn what hap- 
pened last night. 

Johns. Oh, my friend. 

Cobb. Miss Coddleton mentioned something about an 
affair with the Chief of Police. 

Johns. A perfect tragedy, and a frightful one at that. 

Cobb. You alarm me. What is it ? Speak ! 

Johns. Ah, let me collect myself. I have had such a ter- 
rible shaking-up, that my poor head — Well, I was seated 
with Emily — that is, Mrs. Belcher — and was having a cup 
of tea, when the Chief of Police knocked. 



36 



Cobb. Why did he knock ? 

Johns. To get in, of course. 

Cobb. But why did he wish to get in ? 

Johns. To catch them. 

Cobb. Catch them ! Whom ? 

Johns. Them. I'm going to explain as fast as I can. It 
was I who urged his wife to have him arrested. 

Cobb. Whom do you mean by him ? 

Johns. Her husband. 

Cobb. Whose husband ? 

Johns. If you interrupt me again, I'll not say another 
word. 

Cobb. Pardon me ; proceed. 

Johns. The Chief of Police entered, and finding me up 
in one corner — 

Cobb. Up in one corner ! Why, you said you were having 
tea! 

Johns. So I was, but I rushed into the corner to conceal 
myself. Mrs. Belcher had extinguished the lamp. (Cobb 
is astonished.) Don't you understand ? We were in the 
dark. It ought to be clear. What is the matter with you 
this morning ? 

Cobb. Nothing, nothing; continue. 

Johns. Well, finding me in the corner in a dressing-gown 
and smoking-cap, he took me for Lord Mordaunt Blink- 
ers! 

Cobb. Who is Lord Mordaunt Blinkers ? 

Johns. The lover. 

Cobb. Whose lover ? 

Johns. Mrs. Belcher's lover. Now I, not knowing his 
name, you can fancy the effect upon me when I heard the 
Chief pronounce the name of the husband — 

Cobb. Of the lover, you mean. 

Johns. No, no ; the husband. 

Cobb. A moment ago you said lover — now you say 
husband I I'm bewildered ! 

Johns. Why it's simple enough. The lover of Mrs. 
Belcher, but the husband of the wife. 

Cobb. Has Mrs. Belcher a wife, then ? 

Johns. No, no; the wife of Lord Mordaunt Blinkers. 

Cobb. (Aside.) He's mad; raving mad. 

Johns. I cannot understand what is the matter with you 
this morning. Now attend. Lady Mordaunt Blinkers has 
sued for a divorce, her husband being Mrs. Emily Belcher's 
lover. 

Cobb. Well. 



3? 

Johns. I am the counsel for Lady Mordaunt Blinkers; in 
her cause I urged her to have her husband arrested. 

Cobb. Well. 

Johns. Now it was not Lord Blinkers whom the Chief of 
Police caught last night, but me, whom by mistake he took 
for his lordship. 

Cobb. Thunder. This is becoming serious. 

Johns. But that is not all. When the Chief departed, I 
wished to follow him. Impossible ! 

Cobb. Why so ? 

Johns. I had no coat and hat. 

Cobb. They took them away as evidence against you ? 

Johns. So this morning I was obliged to go and purchase 
a new coat and hat. Oh, my friend, what an evening ! what 
a night ! 

Cobb. Stay; you have shaved your whiskers. 

Johns. Yes, for fear that the Chief of Police might recog- 
nize me some day or other. You understand ? What if Lord 
Blinkers should learn that it was I who passed for him ? 

Cobb. He is sure to, you may depend upon it. You can- 
not plead for his wife now. 

Johns. Why not ? 

Cobb. Because the principal argument of your plea would 
be the presence of Lord Blinkers at Mrs. Belcher's house 
after one o'clock. Now if it should transpire that it was 
you who were there in a dressing-gown and smoking- 
cap, taking tea up in a corner — what an incident for a crim- 
inal court! 

Johns. {Falling upon the sofa.) Oh, you're right. It is 
out of the question for me to be Lady Blinker's advocate. 
My first case, for which I have waited two years, is lost. 
Oh, I shall go mad. {Rises and paces the room.) 

Cobb. There, there; don't be dismal. {Takes Johns' hand 
and starts.) What ! are you wounded ? 

Johns. No; it was only Bijou. We fought together. 
Hush, here comes my wife. Not a word. 

Cobb. Fear nothing. 

Enter Mrs. Johns, l. She sees Cobb. 

Mrs. J. {Starting.) Oh, pardon me; I disturb you. 

Johns. Not in the least, my clear. {Kisses her.) Mr. 
Silenus Cobb, my colleague ; the gentleman who wrote to 
me yesterday. 

Mrs. J. {Saluting.) Mr. Cobb! 

Cobb. {Saluting.) Madam! 

Mrs. J. Well, what success in the arbitration ? 



Cobb. It passed off very well, madam ; the affair is 
arranged. 

Mrs. J. And quite finished ? 

Johns. (Suddenly.) I swear I never will set my foot in 
it again — (Slopping.) That is — 

Cobb. Yes ; we may say that the business is entirely dis- 
posed of. 

Mbs. J. Good. What ! why, Johnston dear, you've shaved 
your whiskers ! 

Johns. Ye-es, yes, this morning. Really can't say how I 
happened to. Mere distraction, I suppose. 

Cobb. Yes, he has carved the mutton chops this time, 
sure. 

Mrs. J. (Sees Ms hand.) What is that, dear ? Were you 
injured ? No ; bitten. 

Johns. (Troubled.) Yes— that is to say — no. 

Cobb. Merely a slight accident which happened yesterday 
while we were at dinner. 

Johns. I was bitten by^- 

Cobb. (Pulling Ms coat.) That is, the lamp-shade burst — 

Johns. Oh yes; and i he pieces fell upon my hand. 
(Aside to Cobb :) Thanks. 

Kate. (Entering.) The Honorable Mrs. Still has come in. 

Mrs. J. I will go to her immediately. 

Kate. It is master as she wants to see. 

Johns. Wants to see me ? 

Kate. Yes, you. 

Mrs. J. Beg mamma to step in here. . [Exit Kate. 

Cobb. I will leave you. 

Johns. No, no. Go in there. (Points to door, r.) 

Cobb. But I — 

Johns. (Aside.) Don't desert me, I beg of you. (Pushes 
Cobb in at door, r. ) 

Enter Mrs. Still at hack, furious, and concealing something under her 
cloak. 

Mes. S. Where is he, where is he? Oh, there he is! 

Mrs. J. Good morning, mamma. 

Mrs. S. Good morning, good morning. (To Johns:) 
Where were you last night ? 

Johns. I — I — 

Mrs. S. It is not true. What were you doing ? 

Johns. Why, I — 

Mrs. S. You know it's a falsehood. Your coat, your hat, 
where are they ? 

Mrs. J, (Pointing to a chair.) There they are, mamma. 









39 

Mrs. S. Here they are. (She takes coat and hat from under 
lier cloak and hurls them at Johns.) 

Mrs. J. Oh, inamnia! 

Mrs. S. The Chief of Police has just brought them to me 
with a letter ; and such a letter I 

Johns. (Aside.) The devil! The Chief of Police ! 

Mrs. S. (Taking letter from her pocket.) Listen, my child, 
listen. (Reads :) ' ' Instead of rummaging in sauce-pans " — 

Johns. (Aside.) It is Angelina. 

Mrs. S. (Reading.) "You had better keep one eye on 
your son-in-law." (Speaks:) What did I tell you, my dear ? 
Watch him, I said — watch him. 

Johns. Pardon me one moment — 

Mrs. S. It's not so, and you know it. (Reading:) "I 
send you the coat and hat which he forgot last night at 
house of Miss Blank. I am your devoted admirer, Warming- 
pan." (Speaks:) The hussy ! 

Mrs. J. (Sits weeping .) Oh, mamma! 

Mrs. S. Do not Aveep, my child ; your mother remains to 
you. Go to your room. In less than an hour I shall see my 
lawyer. (Goes L.) 

Mrs. J. What! a suit? 

Mrs. S. A divorce. 

Johns. But, madam — 

Mrs. S. Stop where you are. It is a falsehood. 

Johns. But, mother-in-law — 

Mrs. S. I positively forbid you to address me as your 
mother-in-law. 

Johns. And why so ? 

Mrs. S. Do you fancy I do not see the irony you intend, 
when you say mother-in-law ? 

Johns. But — 

Mrs. S. I know it just as well as that I am no longer 
beautiful, though I have been. Do you understand, sir? I 
have been beautiful. But you cannot swear that you did 
not leave your whiskers at Miss Blank's house. Wretch! 
deceiver! (To Mrs. J.:) Come, my child, come; rest upon 
your mother's bosom. 

Johns. I beg you will listen — 

Mrs. S. There is not one word of truth in all you say. 
[Exeunt Mrs. 8. and Mrs. J., l. 

Johns. (Sinking into a chair.) I'm mad. 

Cobb. (Entering, r.) Ah, my poor friend, I have heard 
all. 

Johns. What will become of me ? What shall I do ? 
(Struck with an idea.) Ah, I will go and consult a lawyer. 

Cobb. A lawyer! And why ? 



40 

Johns. I no longer know what I am saying. 

Cobb. Your wife loves. It will all end happily. 

Kate. {Entering.) There is a man below as wants to see 
you. I told him you was having a squabble with your moth- 
er-in-law, and he said it didn't matter to him if you was; so 
he gave me this card. {Hands card.) 

Cobb. {Beads card.) Lord Mordaunt Blinkers. 

Johns. {Starting up in dismay.) Blinkers! Then all is 
lost! {To Cobb:) Receive him, I beg of you. 

Cobb. I? 

Johns. {Wildly.) Send him away, then. I cannot be 
bothered. {Rushes off, r.) 

Cobb. Show his lordship up, Kate. [Exit Kate.] Now, 
what? 

Enter Loud Blinkers. 

Lord B. Mr. Johnston — ■ {Aside :) The devil ! The ho- 
moeopathic physician! {Aloud:) Good day, doctor. 

Cobb. {Saluting.) My lord! 

Lord B. I wished to have a moment's consultation with 
Mr. Johnston Johns, the lawyer. 

Cobb. {Embarrassed.) Oh, by all means — yes. 

Lord B. I have not the pleasure of knowing the gentle- 
man ; but I am aware that he is the advocate employed by 
my wife in a suit for a divorce which she contemplates. 
Now something most abnormal has occurred, even last even- 
ing; and, before going further, I wished to explain it to Mr. 
Johnston Johns. 

Cobb. Oh certainly, in a moment. {Aside:) "What is 
to be done ! {Aloud :) It is impossible to see him this morn- 
ing; he is ill. 

Lord B. Must be very sudden, then, for I know that my 
wife saw him yesterday. 

Cobb. Yes, yes; quite sudden. This very morning even. 
Produced by a discussion with his mother-in-law. You see 
his nerves and blood were all out of order. It is something 
that we doctors term a bilioso-nervoso-sanguinoso de- 
rangement. 

Lord B. {Appalled.) Really! Quite serious then ? Be good 
enough not to inform him of my visit ; it might increase the 
bilioso-nervoso, et cetera. 

Cobb. Just as you say, my lord. For the moment, Mr. 
Johnston Johns is incapable of attending to your business. 

Lord B. It is my loss. {Saluting :) Doctor ! 

Cobb. {Saluting.) My lord ! 

Lord B. {Suddenly.) Oh, by-the-by, doctor, I shall be 



41 

obliged to you if you will not mention the fact of having 
met me last evening. 

Cobb. Be at rest, my lord. Discretion is a professional 
virtue. 

Lord B. (Saluting.) Doctor! 

Cobb. (Opening the door at tack.) My lord! [Exit, b. J 
Not so badly managed, after all. Silenus, you're a success 
as a medical man. (Goes to door, R.) Come in. 

Johns. (Entering.) Has he gone ? 

Cobb. Yes. 

Loud B. (Entering suddenly.) Upon reflection, I — 

Johns and Cobb. (Aghast.) Again! 

Lord B. What ! The allopathic physician ? (Saluting 
Johns.) Doctor! 

Cobb. (Aside.) Salute him. 

Johns. (Saluting.) My lord! 

Lord B. Is it then so serious, gentlemen, that you are 
obliged to meet for consultation? (To Johns:) Pray tell 
me, how have you left Mr. Johnston Johns ? 

Johns. (Amazed.) Eh, what ? 

Cobb. (Aside.) I have told him you were very ill. 

Johns. (Troubled.) Yes, I'm rather indisposed to-day. 

Cobb. (Aside.) You stupid fool, you are not ill, burt 
Johnston Johns! 

Johns. (Aside.) Well, but who am I, then ? 

Cobb. (Aside.) The doctor, of course! 

Johns, (Aside.) Oh, (rue; so I am. 

Lord B. (Aside.) They are holding a consultation. 
(Aloud:) Well, gentlemen. 

Johns. Johns is ill— very ill, poor devil ! 

Lord B. I have reflected, and not having been able to see 
Mr. Johnston Johns — 

Johns. (Quickly.) Oh, impossible ! utterly impossible! 

Lord B. Yes, so your confrere tells me. I have returned 
to beg leave to write a few words to him. Just fancy ; last 
evening, at the lady's house where I had the pleasure of 
meeting you both, some impudent scoundrel passed himself 
off for me-^and, too, in the very eyes of the law ! 

Johns. (Aside.) I'm going to faint! 

Cobb, (Aside.) Hold on a minute. (Aloud:) Indeed! 
Is it true ? 

Lord B. It is of very grave significance, considering the 
suit which is being brought against me; and while I am 
using every endeavor to discover that knave, I shall inform 
Mr." Johnston Johns, just as I have the Chief of Police, of 
this rascality. Now, where may I write ? (Johns points ton.) 



42 

Cobb. Will you be good enough as to step this way ? 

Lord B. Thank you. {Suddenly:) Ah, I forgot, doctor. 
{To Johns :) I shall be obliged to you if you will not mention 
the fact of having met me last evening. 

Johns. Be at rest, my lord. Discretion is a professional 
virtue. 

Major Tumbt^eeull. {Appearing at door at bach) May I 
come in ? 

Johns and Cobb. {Aside.) The Major! 

Lord B. {Aside.) Ah ! the old cove who was asleep. 

Major. Ah, Johns, my dear boy! 

Johns. {Aside in alarm.) Don't call me Johns. {Aloud :) 
Johns — lb. it is, Mr. Johnston Johns, is very ill. 

Major. What! You arc ill ? 

Johns. I? No. Mr. Johns! {Aside to Major:) Hold 
your tongue. {Goes up stage.) 

Cobb. {To Lord B.) Don't mind him, my lord. He's a 
little queer. {Taps his forehead.) 

Lord B. I made up my mind he was so yesterday. 

Cobb. {Aside to the Ma jor. ) Be quiet, Major! 

Major. {Recognizing Cobb.) Ah, the doctor. Charmed 
to meet you again. {Aside to Cobb :) I beg you will not 
mention where you met me yesterday. 

Cobb. Don't be alarmed. Discretion is a virtue of our 
profession. {Goes up stage.) 

Major. {Sees Lord B.) What! you here? {Salutes.) Sir! 

Lord B. {Salutes.) Sir! 

Major. {Aside to Lord B.) As we met — 

Lord B. {Aside to Major.) Last evening — 

Major and Lord B. I shall be obliged to you if you will 
not mention the fact. 

Lord B. Just what I was going to say to you. 

Major. Yery good. Agreed. {They shake hands.) 

Lord B. I was on my way to write a note to Mr. John- 
ston Johns. 

Major. {Astonished.) Write to Johnston Johns ! 

Johns and Cobb. {Passing the Major, aside.) Hold your 
tongue. 

Johns. Allow me to show you the way sir. [Goes r. 

Lord B. Oh, thank you. [Goes off by "door, r., with Johns. 

Major. {Running to the door.) But my two hundred 
pounds ? 

Johns. {Looking back.) I have no time now. (To Cobb:) 
Get rid of him in some way, I beg of you. Send him away. 

[Exit, r. 

Major. Where is he going ? 

Cobb. To court. 



Ma jor.. -Rw* my money ? I must speak to him ! 

Cobb. (Holding him.) Oh, let it go now. You can talk with 
him later. I must go now. I have some patients to attend. 
Will you accompany me ? 

Major. Not until I have seen Johns. And here is Miss 
Coddleton expecting me at twelve o'clock. 

Cobb. But if you sit down, you will fall asleep. 

Major. True, quite true. Ah, doctor, what can you pre- 
scribe for this everlasting somnolence ? 

Cobb. Nothing better than fresh air. So, come on. 

Major. Do you know, doctor, when I sleep in the day I 
am tormented with terrible dreams ? 

Cobb. Fresh air, fresh air. Come ; I am in haste. 

Major. Oh, bah! Grant me two minutes. I will pay you 
for your time. 

Johns. (Appearing at door, r., aside to Cobb.) Get him 
out of here, for heaven's sake. (Disappears.) 

Cobb. (Aside.) I've an idea. (Aloud:) Proceed, sir, 
I'm listening. (While the Major speaks, Cobb goes to the 
mantel and advances the hands of the clock.) 

Major. Well, I have employed two physicians. The 
first I left because I had no confidence in him. I was very 
well iudeed under his care, but I had no confidence in him. 
And you know, in medicine, confidence is every thing. 

Cobb. (Returning to C.) And the second ? 

Major. The second ? Oh, he was a prince of science. 
But his prices — something terrific ! 

Cobb. So you dismissed him? (Walk's the Major round 
so that he can see the clock.) 

Major. Yes, and since that time I have been worse 
than — (Sees clock.) Good heavens! 

Cobb. What is it ? 

Major. (Aghast.) Five minutes after one o'clock : 

Cobb. (Looking at his watch.) I am ten minutes after one. 

Major. (Looking at his watch.) But I am only five and 
thirty minutes after eleven ! 

Cobb. You are very slow indeed. 

Major. And Miss Coddleton expected me at twelve! 
She will be in hysterics ! 

Cobb. In that case, I will attend her. Shall I accompany 
you ? 

Major. (Gratefully.) Excellent doctor! You have 
proved yourself a father to her. 

Kate. (Entering at lack.) Where is master ? 

Cobb. At court. 

Major. (Hurriedly.) Come, doctor, come; I'm going. 

Kate. At court? 



44 

Cobb. (Aside.) No, he's in there. (Points- r.) Now, 
sir, forward. 1 am with you. 

[Exeunt the Major and Cobb at the tack. 

Kate. What is the matter with them all to-day? They 
are cracked. 

Johns. (Entering, r.) Ah, gone at last! 
1 Kate. Master. 
! Johns. (Starting.) Well, what is it ? 

Kate. Your lady client is below. 

Johns. (Aghast.) Lady Blinkers here ! And his lord- 
ship there! I cannot see her at present. 

Kate. Shall I send her away, then ? 

Johns. No, let her remain where she is. I'll go to her 
myself. [Exit at back. 

Kate. (Laughing. ) There's another cracked brain for you. 

Enter Mrs. Still, in haste, l. 

Mrs. S. There is a woman below. 

Kate. Yes; master's client. And a right pretty little 
thing she is too. 

Mrs S. That is enough. Leave me. [Exit Kate at bade] 
His client! More likely to be the woman at whose house 
he passed the evening. Hark, some one comes; I shall 
satisfy my own curiosity. (Conceals herself behind door, l.) 

Enter Lord Blinkers, it. , with a letter in his hand. 

Lord B. No one here ? But I must send this letter to 
Mr. Johnston Johns. What a strange house, to be sure! 
(Gees to door at back and recoils.) What ! My wife with that 
doctor? (Conceals himself behind door, R.) 

Enter Lady Blinkers, followed by Johns. 

Lady B. Only five minutes ! I really must see you ! 

Johns. Be seated, madam. (F lies to r. and looks in; aside:) 
The husband gone ! Thank heavens. 

Lady B. (Seated upon sofa, l.) I have brought all the 
papers relating to the mad expenditures of my husband. 

Lord B. (Aside.) • What! To the doctor ? I don't under- 
stand. 

Mrs. S. (Aside.) It is a client, after all. 

Johns. (Hesitating to take papers.) My dear madam, I 
really — (Aside;) What folly to throw away such a case ! 

Lady B. You hesitate to take charge of my suit ? Oh, I 
supplicate you, Mr. Johns. 

LordB. (Aside.) What! Johns, her lawyer ? 'Tis he! 

Johns. I assure you, your case is excellent; but consider- 
ing the unpardonable conduct of Lord Blinkers— 



45 

Lokd B. {Starting.) Eh ! 

Johns. (Sees him and drops into a chair.) He ! Ah ! 

Lady B. What is it, sir ? 

Johns. Nothing, nothing ! A momentary blindness. 
(Aside :) The husband ! 

Lady. B. You are correct, sir. His conduct is indeed 
unpardonable. 

Johns. (Troubled.) Excuse me, I — 

Lady B. Oh, you said it. Even I almost hesitate — 

Johns. And you are right. (Aside :) I must patch up this 
matter some way. 

Lady B. But I no longer hesitate — 

Johns. And you are wrong. 

Lady B. (Aside.) The man is mad. 

Johns. (Starting aside.) My mother-in-law too ! 

Lady B. What is it now? 

Johns. Oh, nothing, dear madam, nothing ! 

Lady B. Do you mean, sir, that you ever undertake to 
defend faithless husbands ? 

Johns. And why not? 

Lord B. (Aside.) He's a trump ! 

Mrs. S. The monster ! 

Johns. So much the worse for me if I do. I burn my 
fleet. But listen — 

Lady B. (Astonished.) Sir ! 

Johns. I say, madam, that a wife is oftentimes too ready 
to demand a separation. A divorce is too grave an affair to 
be treated lightly. 

Lady B. But, sir — 

Johns. Do not interrupt me, madam. Your cause be- 
comes mine. If I take charge of one, I also take charge of 
the other ; if I gain one, both are gained. 

Lad«" B. (Aside.) What does the man mean ? 

Johns. (Rises and pleads.) It is easy to say a man is guilty. 
Guilty ! But have you read what is written upon his 
heart ? Are you aware that he may be driven to an extrem- 
ity which he regrets ? True, he has deserted the conjugal 
fireside, and has sought pleasure and peace of mind abroad. 
But whose fault is it ? Might it not be the fault of those 
whom he has left at home ? Might not the unfortunate man 
possess a mother-in-law who renders his life unbearable ? 

Mrs. S. (Aside. ) What does he say ? 

Lady B. Oh, no ; my husband has no mother-in-law. 

Johns. That is quite possible, madam; but do not oblige 
me to say that /have one ! (Pleading again.) Then where 
is the judge who does not possess some sense of indulgence 
in his heart for such an oppressed creature ?— For one who 



46 

loves his wife — and he does love her — but who is driven from 
his home by the continual tyranny, pestering, and suspicions 
of his mother-in-law ? — Driven from home, and launched 
upon the adventures of a nameless existence. And is this 
the man whom you would reduce to despair ? This the man 
whom you would repulse, did he return repentant and chast- 
ened ? No, you could not do that {to Lady B.), for you 
love him still ! {To Mrs. S. :) For you have ever loved him. 

Lady B. It is true ! 

Mrs. S. {Aside, wiping her eyes.) He has quite touched 
me ! 

Lord B. {Advancing, aside.) Very good ! 

Johns. You would meet him with open arms — forget and 
pardon all; and instead of a separation, you would seek a 
reconciliation. Your time has come, my lord ! 

Lord B. Bertha I 

Lady B. {Rising.) Mordaunt! {Tliey embrace.) 

Mrs. S. {Rushing out with open arms.) Son-in-law, embrace 
your mother-in-law ! 

Johns. {Aside.) Bah! {They embrace.) 

Mrs. J. {Entering, l.) What do I see ! A reconciliation ? 

Mrs. S. Daughter, embrace your husband. 

Mrs. J. But, mamma. 

Mrs. S. Embrace your husband. {They embrace.) Ah, 
could you but have heard him ; such a plea! It made your 
mother weep. 

Mrs. J. Oh! 

Mrs. S. I am all admiration, Alice — all admiration. 

Johns. {Aside.) I have gained my first case. 

Kate. {Entering.) Master, here comes old Tumblebull. 

Johns. Ask him to come up. 

Kate. He's blubbering like a calf. 

Enter Major Tumblebull at back, wiping his eyes, followed 
by Cobb. 

Major. I have come to say farewell. 

Johns. Are you leaving London ? 

Major. Yes ; Coddleton has dismissed me. I have failed 
for two hundred pounds. 

Johns. I congratulate you, Major. 

Major. The doctor has recommended the country. Stay! 
Where is he ? Oh, there you are ! 

Johns. {To Cobb.) All is happily settled. 

Cobb. {Astonished.) Oh, wonderful, wonderful! And 
most wonderful, wonderful! And yet again wonderful! And 
after that out of all whooping. 

Lord B. Yes, doctor — 



47 

Cobb. {Pointing to the Major.) I am only a doctor to 
attend Miss Coddleton. 

Major. {Going to Cobb.) Ah, doctor — 

Cobb. {Pointing to Lord B.) Only a doctor when I treat 
Mrs. Belcher. 

Major. I don't understand. 

Cobb. Very well, let it pass. {To Johns:) Great news, 
my friend. Alarmed at the scene last night, Mrs. Emily 
Belcher has fled to America. 

Johns. {To Lady B.) Mrs. Belcher has left London ? 

Lord B. {Starting.) Emily gone ? 

Lady B. What do you say, my lord ? 

Lord B. Nothing. I have no fears to beat away, no strife 
to heal. The past unsigned for, and the future sure. 

Major. {Sadly.) Well, as for me, I'm going to live in 
the country with a crook — {with an amorous glance at Mrs. 
Still) — unless you will share life with me. Daphne and 
Chloe — Philemon and Baucis! 

Mrs. S. {Coquettishly.) Flatterer! 

Major. (To Johns.) Gods! what a woman! 

Johns. {Aside.) Oh, if my mother-in-law would only 
marry ! {Aloud.) Well, do as we are going to do ; come and 
live at Balefield Hall. 

Mrs J. {Surprised.) What, Johnston! 

Mrs. S. Never ! You have too great talent to {significantly) 
rust out in a village with four or five mummies. No, 
remain in London. {Giving her hand to the Major.) We 
will keep Balefield Hall ; but from time to time you must 
come and see — 

Johns. My mother-in-law. 

[tableau, curtain. ] 



ARTICLES NEEDED BY AMATEURS. 

As amateurs do not, as a general thing, know how to get the different articles 
needed in giving their performances, or even what those accessories are, we have 
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TABLEAU LIGHTS. 

These are always used to heighten the effect of a scene, and any one who has 
witnessed a spectacular play knows that they are indispensable. Our Tableaii 
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All Colors, price each 25 cents. 

We particularly recommend the red and green, as they burn entirely without 
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Put up in one-half pound packages. Not less than half-pound of each color 
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A metal capable of being ignited by a common match, and burning with great 
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This is the best light for moonlight and statuary. It is so intense that it causes 
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THEATRICAL PACE PREPAKATIONS. 

We would call the attention of our customers to the fact that all the prepara- 
tions here advertised are the best manufactured ; they are all imported by us 
direct from Paris, and are guaranteed to be perfectly harmless. They are all 
ready for use. 

Rouge for the Theatre, in neat box, No. 1, each $0.50 

" very fine, " No. 2, " 50 

" finest quality, made from flowers, perfumed, No. 3, each -.60 

It is absolutely necessary to use some rouge when acting, for a face without 
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White for the Theatre, (Blanc de Perle), same as Rouge No. 1 .$0.40 

. .50 

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This is used principally for the heads and arms, and also to heighten the effect 
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Pencils for the eye-lids and eye-brows $0.50 

Penci s for the veins, (Crayons d'ltalie) „ .50 

Grendine for the lips, gives them a fine color and improves the entire coun- 
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Boxes of Powder for the hair. In neat boxes all ready to use, enough for 
several occasions. Indispensable in plays of the 16th, 17th, and 18th cen- 
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Gold 75 

Silver : 75 

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